Fighting An Invisible Battle

It's been a while since I've last written.  I can't apologize because I'm doing my best.  You see I'm fighting a battle that most of the people around me can't see.  Oh, I know it's real because the person I use to be had boundless energy.  I always a had cheerfulness and excitement about life.  Now a good day is getting out of bed and being upright.  I've mentioned this before here that I suffer with Fibromyalgia.  When I was diagnosed 8 years ago I couldn't even pronounce it.    

For the last 10 years it a battle to get out of bed.  It's a battle to move freely.  It's a battle to be productive.  After 2 days of Vintage Markets this weekend.  I couldn't move.  The fatigue is so severe.  My eyes burn and my eyelids just I can't keep open.  The fatigue hurts.  Feeling the weakness through out my body.  Standing up makes me dizzy and off balance.

Yesterday after 5 days of not showering, I finally showered.  I had to hold on to the wall.  I felt like I was going to fall.  It scared me.  I hung on for dear life.  As soon my shower was complete I got dressed and went back to bed and slept.  The fatigue is like jet lag but by 10 times.  This is not tired this is bone chilling fatigue.  My arms and legs don't work right.  It's feels like your moving in slow motion.  Think of a rerun of the Million Dollar Man and they show him punching his enemy.  My reaction time is off.  This is no movie here but my whole body feels like I'm walking through a thick wall of molasses.  My thoughts are not clear, my body fails me.

The physical pain is unreal.  I ache from head to toe.  The muscles are like a rubber band being pulled to tight almost to the verge of breaking.  My muscles around my fingers, toes, shoulders, legs, hips, elbows, neck, back, just ache for no good reason.  Picture a chicken wing that you pull back the meat to get every piece of it.  That's how my muscles feel around my bones like some thing is trying to pull back the muscles around my bones.

The joints ache and burn.  Some days it feel like a bonfire in my joints.  Hot sweltering heat in my  knees, tail bone, elbows, hips, ankles, fingers.  Where the muscles and joints meet is so tender and sore.

The shooting lighting pain that I have especially in my feet.  It feels like some has a Voo Doo doll that's stabbing me for fun.  Sharp pains that come out of no where.  I also get these shooting pains in my legs, arms, and chest.  Some days I feel pinching pain.  Pinching me so hard I want to cry.

I suffer from short term memory loss.  I can't remember what happen a day or week ago.  I don't know faces of my customers.  I'll be at vintage market and I should remember a lot of my customers I don't.  I try to go back in my mind and try to find a connection and I know there trying to connect with me and I can not remember no matter how hard I try.  I don't remember things my son has done, or his friends or parents of friends.  This is so frustrating.  I use to have a member like a trap door.  I could remember friends and families birthdays, wedding, anniversaries.  I try to remember but it's like staring at a blank book.  Those memories are gone and I can't get them back.  I feel like an idiot at times.

Cognitive I forget how to spell.  I'll be typing and I'll see a word in my head like brave and I'll type Bruce?  I really thought I was typing the right word.  I've never been a terrific spelling but now I can't remember how to spell.  A simple word I won't be able to formulate the letters in my mind to spell it.

This is the invisible battle I've been fighting for years.  When you see me in public you wouldn't know I was fighting this battle.  Yes, and I do mean fight!  I have to battle my body everyday.  I won't stop fighting either.  I'll put up my dukes.  I'll swear if I have too.  There will be days the Fibro wins, but not everyday.

You see I live everyday tattered and worn. I see an old used up piece of furniture and I see me.  Worn down, drawers don't slide, and useless.  I see what they can become there potential. It's is like a diamond in the rough.  A bit of sanding, some paint, new hardware, and so on. 

You may ask doesn't this take you longer?  Why do it?  It's too much work?  Yes, it takes me longer and I have to rely on my hubby to help out with a lot of it.  Yes, it is work.  No, I can turn around 3 pieces a day.  As I work on these pieces I'm healing my soul.  No, it doesn't take my Fibro away.  Being able to create gives me hope for a better day.  I see that I am valuable.  The way I survive this is my putting a little piece of me in to every piece.  That is what keeps me going every day.

As I've talked about seeing each piece of vintage furniture as tattered and torn like me I also see God doing the same in me.  He take me as I'm.  He breathes new life in me.  Just like I do to my work.

This is how I battle everyday but I won't stop fighting.

                                              Debbi
                                       Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful