Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful

Hi all, this post is more on a personal note.  I sign off at the end of each post "Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful".  I found this quote a few years ago.  It inspires me everyday.  It speaks to me.  It summed up my life over the years.

In a few years I'll be 50 years old.  It has been a long journey. I've experienced many highs and lows.  I used to play this game with myself called comparing myself to others and trying to always please others.  It made life challenging and caused deep pain in my heart and soul.

When I was diagnosised with Fibromyalgia my life changed over night. No longer could I continue the path that I was on.  I couldn't please people like I use too.  I was in so much pain physically and the fatigue that felt like I had been up for days.  Basically Fibro is feeling like you have been hit by a truck.  Muscles and joints that ache everyday through out my whole body.  Extreme fatigue.  Doing household chores are challenging.  Depression, anxiety, and insomania were all part of this new life of mine.  There are very dark days with this disease.  I realized I only had a certain amount of energy everyday.  When it was gone there was no filling up the tank again.

 It gave me so much time to reflect where my life had been and where it was going.  I had to lean into God like never before.  I could only rely on his strength.  I cherish that time that my relationship was being strengthened with Him. His words were so powerful.  I can't express how sweet and precious was this time together.  He became my rock.  He opened areas of my heart that hadn't been open in years.

He sent butterflies in to my life. A God Wink. I can't tell you how many times I would see a butterfly whether on book, sky, or picture.  Those images gave me hope.  He spoke to me.   I could soar again but maybe not in the way I use too.  I had to learn a new path.

No, I can't  plan my day like I use too.  Some days I require a lot more sleep.  My house is not always clean.  I have to make choices in my daily life.  Creating a new piece of furniture or do housework.  Doing laundry or spending time with Grady.  It seems so simple can't you do both, but exhaustion usually comes in the late afternoon.  You'll find me napping or piled up on the couch.  Right now while not living at our house due to flood damage.  My hubby made a bed for me there.  A small blow up mattress and sleeping bag.  If I get exhausted with helping with the renovations I can go take a nap.  There are times I feel that I'm useless.  I've come to realize that this type of thinking does help me.        

This quote by Maya Angelou became my strength.

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."

I have had to learn a new kind of beautiful.  There are days that I plead with God to take the pain and fatigue away.

I've learned that having an invisible chronic illness has brought me insight.  I've seen God's unconditional love for me.  I've seen by hubby's kindness and love grow in ways I've never seen before.  My son is learning compassion and kindness.  My beauty is'nt from human doing but by being a human being.  Being our authentic self without comparing ourselves to anybody else or what my life use to be.  Being imperfect is okay.  God is never done with us.  He can make weak things strong.  He loves us in our beautiful mess.  Truth be told I rely on him more in the hard times.

You have beauty that is uniquely yours.  It's in the journey of becoming the butterfly is where the beauty lies.



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